August 21st, 1991

I just want to say it briefly. Gorbachev was arrested on August 19th – a normal Soviet joke. Something went wrong and today he should be on his way back to the office and the saboteurs should be caught the same as the cannibal sailors from the ad for Alpa Francovka from my youth. Lithuania has today declared its independence as a free state. The number 21 works like gambling, blackjack. The number caught my attention. It seems to me that it does not belong in Central Europe, but it's sucking us in. It is an odd number and our fate are even ones, especially if they end in eight. That’s interesting. The question is whether a new numeral value is not penetrating the place where I live and which I have been fatefully bound to. I know nothing about it – just my intuition tells me it can’t be accidental – even though the 21st of the eighth number – August 1968. Interesting, really interesting. And on the screen: talking traps from different human zones. Creatures from various zones, made of various substances. Yesterday there was the head of the Russian KGB. A trap from a different planet of intellect. Bush: a different zone. Everything is in the hands of people without any telepathic connection but they do not know about it, they are connected by power. Any power. A little while ago an Egyptian. He was saying something about commercial relations – I switched it off. As a woman I found his face very attractive. And then I realised how deep inside we are clearly affected by sex. And nobody is aware of it. The Ship of Fools – that has always been and will be the world of people, prosimians, half-people. The organization of the world: WHO came up with it? I think it was in prehistoric times, a cunning fellow who found out that mammoth tusks and meat can be stolen from a neighbor if prior to the robbery and murder we treat him in a friendly manner.They say that in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. I feel that it was like that. And then came the Word of Honor. Why of honor? It’s interesting the Word was not enough. Honor had to be added, that is personal honor of the one who gave his Word to confirm his promise. Thus the oath was born. I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Childish puns for the herd of half-idiots, half-people, prosimians. And the oath has not been always kept! Shakespeare documented it many times. The Romans, betrayed by Jews and killed in front of their fortress even though they were promised a safe exit and departure, chanted: promise, oath. And they were all murdered by Jews. It was discovered by chance in historical sources and the Jews were hated for it even more than before even though the same villainies were committed by all. But who were the all? The all are men. Men boasting about some abstraction. Hahaha.When I recently saw that disgusting American film Top Gun, I threw up quietly and almost with pleasure watching all these macho, brave men who tap each other’s shoulders while doing tail-spins with their planes and laughing their heads off. The twentieth century of our Christian era does not know more than a primitive inhabitant of a primeval forest. Actually it knows less. In a primeval forest it is not possible to destroy the neighboring enemy’s forest, for there is just one forest or jungle, the hunting grounds of friends as well as enemies. There’s no border up to which somebody can destroy something, for he himself would suffer the damage. And it is the same with the world: one common jungle. Yet those idiots do not know. The Americans contaminated the Vietnamese soil with such substances that for decades it will not be able to nurture a straw of bamboo, the only raw foodstuff material for local people. But that is a futile talk. I’m masturbating again – unfortunately not literally. War is nothing but masculine sexual instinct. Driving a bayonet into the belly of a person they call their enemy is just an imitation of intercourse. That's all. Wars are waged by men’s testicles. Nature’s endowment to men. Yes, it can be pleasant for women – but only when it is consensual. Moravia and Slovakia testify to the non-consensual sex of the local women whose great-great-great grandsons have slanting eyes and high cheekbones like Tatars, and in some areas of Bulgaria only every tenth person looks like a European, the rest are Turks. I can’t understand why these women didn’t kill these children in front of their tribe, that they didn’t break their heads on stones so that this disgrace didn’t turn into a living memento of their rapists. I myself would do so with such hatred to the growing stomach so that the child would not make a sound while I pushed it out in pain. Everything is so infantile and so stupid. Maternal instinct, male imperiousness located in genitals, the multiplier of the human race. They all got used to it long before our era. When King Ahasuerus asked his wife Vashti to come face the nobles in all her beauty (it occurred to me maybe a hundred times whether she wasn’t supposed to do some ritual striptease) and she refused, not only he, the Ruler, but all his advisors, also the Rulers, got outraged and condemned her. Esther was lucky to take over her role and save the Jews. She must have been cunning, this Esther, that she dared to enter in her royal attire TO FACE HIM WITHOUT PERMISSION and he used his golden rod to permit her to come forward and present her request.For God’s sake, what kind of democracy can we have in this world when a man permits a woman what she can and cannot do? The fact that God said so in the book of Genesis is equally awkward. Since, the same as all the other Gods, the Men said so too. Jung would call it a meaningful coincidence. Yes, it is. So it’s even more suspicious that all those plaster dwarfs with different names that all mean God are males. In Christianity there is one – lets say – good goddess and her name is the Virgin Mary. But why Virgin? I think for the monks to have something to masturbate in front of. And so that the most stupid of the most stupid women could confide their problems in her as in A) Virgin and B) Mother of Jesus and she, attired in a somewhat frayed garment of the Virgin Mary of Lourdes, gently waves at them and calms their human pain with fabricated rubbish that comes out of those idiots' own heads. It grows in there like mushrooms. Oh God! The Persian Gulf! India! Asia! Forgotten lands!When I watched TV three times today because of Gorby – there were naturally only men, one more important than the other, a plantation of differently shaped cactuses. Except for our Shirley Temple smiling among them artificially as a mummy – but not in that big world, there she wouldn’t have a chance to release a fart, but here in Central Europe, in Prague, in the city that defies all that, that is destined either to a terrible doom or to giving birth to something decent. And I know that because I’m a witch. For twenty years after 1968 I got up at the dawn without an alarm clock. I was woken up by the date itself and looked up in the sky the same as I did then when I essentially died, and my protracted disease found the most fertile ground HERE to knock me down in 1988. I had read bad omens in the skies.But I knew I could not leave, I had to wait. And then I felt I was getting more and more frail. I was drinking. Who wouldn’t drink? Well, sorry, some people might not but I did. Especially on that day. There were special signs in the sky: almost invisible dark smoke, smoking ashes. They weren’t real, they were irrational, but I saw them there. In, I think, 1986 I looked up in the sky at the dawn again: something was trembling there, like the universe was striding. I don’t know how else to describe it. I knew, I found out, I got the information: it was the end. I was already gravely ill. But I didn’t care. My life has always been translucent, I have no reason to lie and I didn’t give a damn if I was going to survive. Something deep inside me started rejoicing that the temporary time of death everywhere around, of general death, lack of culture, disgust, was about to end. I lost consciousness for thirty hours. Then I was called back. I have probably already mentioned it in these notes of mine, I can't remember and in fact I don’t care. I only know that I had to return, something pushed me back here. It was dismal when through the dispersing fog, painless and happy – I had never felt such happiness before – I noticed the face of a doctor in white coat. I told him, or rather whispered, as I was too weak to speak and he certainly didn’t know what I was saying: You are beautiful like a statue from Kenya. I like that culture and he resembled it. This is a diary and I have the right to keep digressing. Then I fought for three years to look like a human being and not like skeleton with a huge belly. And I succeeded. Within a year I managed to exhibit fifty pictures, having obtained permission from those mean idiots. Perhaps they meant to console the departing one. What the hell.And today, on August 21st, I didn’t get up to look at the sky, which I haven’t been doing for the past year. I should have looked up. Many souls are dying in that common jungle.It will mean something different for Lithuania than for us.Yes, yes, certainly yes. And the idiots will take over the power again, the truth will claim victory for a second to become academic rubbish, and then the opposite truth shall appear to stand against the rubbish claimed by the former truth that will now fight for the victory and win and the idiots will take over power again resulting only in the dead and the opponents will rise to win again and then others will etc. etc.When I spoke last night to F., an unparalleled ass – no, I do apologize, an obvious ass documented in all historical periods that I have studied – and I told him I could not act as an advisor to a minister as I am not qualified and I was appointed without having been informed of the clauses stemming from it. And when I then told him I could not assess works of art since I am not objective, in fact I am very subjective – meaning I would negatively assess works that might be really good just because I didn’t like them – he answered in a deep testicle-colored voice that what I just said was the guarantee of my quality. Attempting to calm me down, he said there were going to be more of us to make sure my subjective objections would be disproven by the objective group on the commission. Later he called me a dissident. I objected, saying I was not a dissident but a person who, it is true, made a living by making some kind of jokes that might be called trendy necklaces – but that was my business and I just went my own way. And I said I hadn’t even been a part of the Charta and I had never signed anything because I loved my animals too much and I knew what would happen to them if I were apprehended. They would find those unbelievably exquisite components of space in my flat under surveillance. He smiled and said I was too modest.When in 1945 I was given an award for bravery on the front during the fights between Russians and Germans, I immediately tore the document and until today I have not said a word about it, as I have nothing to say about it. I am a member of a secret spiritual sect. This I know. If they find me, they will find me, if not, nothing happens. If this sect I’m talking about and referring to as to a “sect” only because I don’t know any other term, if it is straightforward and ruthless, incorruptible and humble before God, thirsty to serve him, then it doesn’t matter whether I shall profit from it or not. God, my greatest strengths, my greatest need, will find me after I’m gone and my soul has turned again into substance of the Universe – even though what I am saying here is a mere cryptogram. Only God can instruct me, only God is what permeates me, because of him I cannot do other than what I do. God as a homeless house, God without the signs of masculinism, God as the highest happiness – again a cryptogram as when I say the word God – and angels are flocking now as I am writing this. They are not well-behaved figures. But because, in my human nature, I like the fact that they have wings, I allow them to embrace me and hear the rustle of an important component of humankind that I do not bear anymore as a burden. That’s how I was made.
The traps on the television are far, far away from these godly images without religion. I am asking for more strength.

Postscript from this world: Yesterday I saw a fat Russian woman on the screen clasping her hands and screaming at the soldiers in tanks: Boys, go away! A feeble, probably not very clever, but still, a HUMAN BEING sitting on a tank, terrified, begging with a screaming face, told her: But we are victims! I felt touched. I was pissed off. That wretch was just a link in a chain. He didn’t know anything else. He didn’t have the brains, he didn’t have the chance to cultivate them. He was miserable and pitiful and he would duly shoot her to death at SOMEONE’S order (the trap controlling the so called operation!). He didn’t get the order, so he let her babble and babbled himself. Isn’t it crazy to be an intelligent and attentive person? Just to watch it helplessly, as Jan Němec says, like a local earthquake!?